A young woman was very depressed and decided to end it all by throwing herself into the sea. Just as she was about to do so though, a young handsome sailor ran down to the shore and talked her out of it. "Look, you are young. There is so much you could do with you life." said the sailor. "In fact, my ship is sailing for America in the morning. I'll smuggle you on board and make sure you have plenty of food. If you'll just help me pass the lonely evening hours, I will get you over to America where you can start a new life."
That sounded great to the young women who took up living secretly in a cabin on board ship. Every evening the sailor would bring her some food and the two would spend the night together.
After about a week of this though, the ship's captain discovered the woman hiding in the sailor's cabin. "What are you doing in here?" asked the captain. "Well, I have a deal with one of your sailors. He is smuggling me over to America, and he's screwing me."
"I'll say!" replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
A terrible skipper was going back and forth through the anchorage, searching for a place to drop the hook before dark. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a good spot, I will donate to charity, give up the demon rum, treat women with respect, pay my taxes, and never again give my crew all of the blame and none of the glory!"
Miraculously, the boat with the best spot in the bay began pulling up anchor to leave. The skipper looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one myself."
The Sand Bank
An inexperienced sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, had to pay a passing fisherman fifty pounds to pull him off with his boat.
After his yacht was off the sand bar, he said to the fisherman, "At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day."
"Can't," replied the fisherman. "At night I dredge and haul sand back onto the bar."
The Yacht Skipper
A Skipper is walking through town looking for crew, when he sees a five-story building with a sign that reads, "Crew Association: Yacht Crew Available" Since he is without crew, he decides to go in. The Security Guard, a very salty type, explains to him how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside."
Everything seems straightforward enough, so the skipper starts going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are beginners." The skipper laughs, and without hesitation moves on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart but weak."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skipper continues on up. He reaches the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart and strong." He still wants to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, he keeps going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are experienced, smart, strong and former America's Cup Champions." The Skipper get excited and is about to go in when he realizes that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what he is missing, he heads up to the fifth floor. There he finds a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"
A very nervous first time crew member says to the skipper. "Do yachts like this sink very often?".
"No'', replied the skipper, "usually it's only the once!"
The Political Sailor
A novice sailor was lost. Maneuvering his yacht close to another yacht he shouted, " Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Can you help me?"
The other skipper replied, " Sure, You are on the Solent. You're in a small keelboat with a 15 HP diesel engine. You are at 50 degrees and 45 minutes North latitude and 001 degrees and 24 minutes West longitude, in about 8m of water."
"You must be a Tory," said the novice.
" I am and proud of it," said the other sailor. " How did you know?"
" Well, "answered the novice, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"
The other sailor responded. "You must be a labour voter."
"I am and proud of it," replied the novice, " but how did you know that?"
"Well, "said the other yachtsmen, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
- "Mayday,Mayday,Mayday this is yacht Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, Corporate Junket, over"
- "Mayday this is Solent Coastguard. Can you give me your position sir, over"
- "Solent Coastguard this is yacht Corporate Junket. I'm a director in a small engineering company, over"
Two sailors are sat in a bar
The first sailor tells his friend, "My wife took a Dayskipper Course in Poole."
"In Dorset?" asks the second sailors.
"No, she would not recommend it " replies the first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
The Birthday Present
Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present. Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local outdoor store.
When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny. "They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."
Boat For Sale
A sailor was looking at a local yacht club's bulletin board listing and took a second glance when he saw that a two year old 40 foot Beneteau was selling for £200. At first he thought it was a misprint or the yacht had major problems but for the cost of a phone call he had to check it out. After making the call, a lady at the other end assured him all was correct and the boat was in bristol condition. She would meet him at the club in a hour to let him look it over.
An hour later she arrived and let him see the boat.
"This has got to be one of the finest condition yachts I ever seen", he told the lady, "Why do you have such a small price on it?"
She answered, "My husband left with his receptionist and we got a divorce. For the settlement I get the home and he gets the money raised from the sale of the boat."
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